True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
