i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
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She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
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They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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