We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
