Quick, to the slutcave!
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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