I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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