There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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