I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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