I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
