I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
