Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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