I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
