theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It's never too late to be topless.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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