I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
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