don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
