Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
