I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
