dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
