took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
