he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
