Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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