Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
