Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I think my vagina is haunted
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
