is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
