I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
