I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
