Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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