i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
How does one acquire holy water?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
