I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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