I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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