I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
