We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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