so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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