Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
