Ketchup is God's man juice
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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