im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
