I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
