Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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