We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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