Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
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I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
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Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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