Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
