Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
