70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
