did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dignity is for republicans.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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