someone threw a dead crab at me
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
