does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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