I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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