Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit