Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
