Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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