I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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