I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
