so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
