Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Dear god my vagina.
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