Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
