Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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