On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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