just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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