before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
