Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
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Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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